Experiencing Painful Feelings from the Ending of a Relationship?
The Rebuilding Blocks to Adjust to the Loss of Love
A Proven 19-Step Process to Freedom
10 Week Rebuilding Series
When a relationship ends, many experience pain and some do not. The ones who appear not to hurt when the relationship ends, either already worked through the pain or have not felt it.
It’s natural, healthy and even expected to hurt. Pain is nature’s way of telling you that something in you needs to be healed.
There is an adjustment process after a divorce – with a beginning, an end and specific steps of learning along the way. The steps of the adjustment process are arranged into a pyramid of “Rebuilding Blocks.”
The 10 Week Rebuilding Series incorporates the 19 building blocks.
Denial: “I Can’t Believe This Is Happening to Me”
You have a wonderful mechanism that allows us only to feel as much pain as we can handle without becoming overwhelmed. Pain that is too great is put into the “denial bag” and held until we are strong enough to experience and learn from it. At a certain point , when we are ready we need to begin to look at our part in the relationship ending. Often we underestimate and deny how long the healing process can take and how much support we need to move on.
Fear: “I Have Lots Of It”
The fears you feel when you first separate are intense and may feel life- threatening. It’s often a very scary experience. As you work through your feelings and overcome fear, you will develop the strength and courage to continue your journey in a much healthier way.
Adaptation: “But It Worked When I Was A Kid”
If you were not able to get your own needs for nurturing, attention, affection, support and love met ; you had to find ways to adapt – and some of our adaptive behaviors are not healthy. We call these mal-adaptive responses. These include: being over responsible for others, being a perfectionist, a “people pleaser”, co-dependent, a worrier, controlling, arrogant etc. We need to clearly identify our adaptive behaviors and modify our mal-adaptive behaviors.
Loneliness: “I’ve Never Felt So Alone”
When a love relationship ends, we often feel an intense sense of loneliness . Many daily living habits must be altered now that your partner is gone. Suddenly you are all alone and it feels like it will last forever. We can learn to value and appreciate our time alone, and learn to have a deep sense of satisfaction when we are with ourself.
Friendship: “Where Has Everyone Gone?”
The first four rebuilding blocks are painful and the desire for help and support from friends is strong. Unfortunately, many friends are lost as you go through the divorce process. Divorce is threatening to some friends ,causing them to feel uncomfortable around the dividing partners. s you learn to create new and healthy friendships , the loss of old friends will not have so much “sting”.
Guilt/Rejection: Dumpers 1, Dumpees 0
Often one person who is more responsible for deciding to end the love relationship (the dumper) and one who is more reluctant (the dumpee). Most dumpers feel guilty and most dumpees feel rejected. The adjustment process is different – guilt verses rejection. Overcoming these feelings comes about with new perspectives, self compassion, and support.
Grief : “There’s This Terrible Feeling Of Loss”
Grieving is an important part of the recovery process. To a great extent the divorce process has been described as coming to terms with many losses. Grief combines overwhelming sadness with a feeling of despair, helpless, and powerless, draining us of energy. The expression of your Grief is crucial in healing!
Anger: “Damn That S.O.B.”
Most divorced people were not aware that they would be capable of such rage because they have never felt this amount of pain before. This special kind of rage is often specifically aimed towards the ex-lover/ partner and -if dealt with properly – it will be essential to your recovery.
Letting Go: “Disentangling Is Hard To Do”
It’s tough to let go of the strong emotional ties – yet, it is what is needed to move forward with personal growth. It is time to invest in you and take the necessary steps to disentangle from the dead relationship.
Self-Worth: “Maybe I’m Not So Bad After All”
Behaviors are greatly influenced by feelings of low self-worth and self-esteem. Most of us take a significant “hit’ to our self esteem when in a relationship ending . As you improve your feelings of self-worth, you’re able to step out of the divorce pits and then to begin building a positive future .
Transition : “I’m Waking Up And Putting Away My Leftovers”
Understanding why your relationship ended will be helpful. Picking it apart can help your figure out what changes are needed, to be make it possible to build a sustainable relationship in the future.
Openness : “I’ve Been Hiding Behind A Mask”
Wearing a mask keeps people from knowing who you really are, and most often will keep you from knowing yourself. It can be scary to fake off the mask, fearing others won’t accept the “real” person underneath the mask. Learning to accept the fact that you really are more than “enough”, and living with out your old masks-to live authentically- is the main key to your happiness.
Love: “Could Somebody Really Care For Me”
You may find yourself saying, “I thought I knew what love was, but I guess I was wrong.” The ending of a relationship may encourage you to re-examine what love really is and how to create a loving relationship with yourself.
Trust: “My Love Wound Is Beginning To Heal”
Trust is at the center point of the entire adjustment process. Learning to love and trust ourselves and in turn learning to trust others. The pain and confusion that go with an ending make it difficult to open up and to discern who we can trust.
Relatedness: “Growing Relationships Help Me Rebuild”
Often after a love relationship has ended, it is easy to jump into another one – a relationship that appears to have everything the previous one lacked. It appears to solve all of your problems. Many people intensify and prolong the confusion, pain and fear when they jump in to a new relationship without taking the time to learn, grow and heal first. The “baggage” from the old relationship makes it frequently inevitable that the new relationship will fail.
Sexuality : “I’m Interested, But I’m Scared”
When the subject of sexuality comes up, most react emotionally and irrationally. Often finding it difficult to discuss. The reality is that when a relationship ends, our sexual needs do not. Some people confuse their need for touch with the need to be sexual. many become sexually involved in a new relationship too soon. Others find the thought of dating again and developing a new relationship terrifying and don’t know how to relate to their sexual feelings .
Singleness: “You Mean It’s Okay?”
Singleness is not only okay, it is necessary. The adjustment to the ending of a love relationship will allow you to really let go of the past, to learn to be whole and complete within yourself.
